Saturday, 8 April 2017

Would You Just... Find Some Gratitude?

Home from another long shift, half asleep slumped in my chair keeping myself upright to write this, then I will collapse in bed with an episode of Stranger Things and sleep good empty sleep until work again tomorrow.

Here is a list of things to be miserable about:
  • All the usual things I mean they're literally always the same why even mention them?

Here is a list of things to be grateful for:
  • Finished work in time to lounge in the beer garden in the evening sun and drink a Gamma Ray and chat nonsense with Dreads and Lizzie and Grace, then Missy and Emma and Jake and Joe turned up, and Missy was as usual Queen Sass, and Jake and I drank beer and caught up.
  • Droop-eyed tired, but from slog of honest day's graft, earning a paycheck, paying the bills. Doing what I have to do. And doing it to best of my ability.
  • This Dougie MacLean album on Spotify leading gentle evening softly to dusk.
  • I do not know what I'm doing with this post, and that's fun. If I always knew what to do and how best to do it I'd be an automaton simply following orders from my brain, slave to actions. But I don't know. I get to attempt to work it out. It's an adventure.
  • Finished reading HG Wells history book been dipping in to for months. Finally got it done, and it was good.
  • Whatever background sadness or loneliness or loss I'm feeling in my bones, whatever psychic pain reverberating in the recesses of brain, is the price I pay for getting to be here and alive and awake for all the good stuff.
  • And that sadness is necessary anyway to even experience the good stuff. We can only know through contrast. Incessant upbeat music is a drag. Stories without peril mean nothing. Life requires downs as well as ups.
  • And hey anyway there's this nice thing they teach in mindfulness -- be aware of your self experiencing the whatever, the pain or frustration or whatever. Is your awareness of frustration itself frustrated? Is your awareness of suffering itself suffering? Just allow the pain to exist. Not judging it, not trying to get rid of it, just watching it. Just watching the annoyance when you inevitably do judge it, do try to get rid of it. Whatever thoughts or emotions or sensations you are experiencing, to be there for them, paying attention to them, watching them come, watching them go. Pain isn't an obstacle blocking us off from leading a full life. Pain is as valid a component of a full life as anything else. Just wake up. Be here for this right now, whatever it is.
  • Also I have biscuits downstairs.
  • Uhh I'm pretty sure this song that has just come on has a didgeridoo in it. I don't know what's going on right now but I reckon it's hard to be unhappy when you're listening to a didgeridoo.
  • I get to go to bed soon. There are millions of people alive who don't have beds, and I have a huge double bed waiting for me. Not that I'm bragging. I wish those people all had beds of their own. But I may as well enjoy mine while I have it. 
  • I also have fingers, knuckles, a respiratory system, working colon, elbows, eyeballs, hair (some), toenails, bones, veins, belly, face. I have a body and it was just given to me and I didn't have to fill out any forms or anything. And I have no idea how any of it works but it does. I want to pull in oxygen and put that oxygen in my blood? OK, done. I want to complexly manipulate bones and muscles in my hand to pick up pizza and chomp it down and convert the pizza into energy to keep me waffling on like this for more days? Yep, done. I want to dropkick a cat out of my window? Aye, sound, done.
  • I'm not going to dropkick a cat out of my window. Guys. Come on.
  • The judge said it wouldn't just be a warning this time if I did it again anyway.
  • I can step outside the implied parameters of this list format while still maintaining an overarching narrative thread, because I'm a bad bitch and I do what I want.
  • Also seriously there are biscuits downstairs I'm going now for those biscuits.
It's a friend from work's birthday drinks after shift tomorrow, and I'm planning on going out but not drinking. Let's see how that goes, hey?


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