Monday, 8 May 2017

Would You Just... Do What You Can?

Eeesh, another rubbish day today. And for no discernible reason, either. Things are going very well for me. I had a weekend better than any in recent memory, although I don't want to write about why just yet. Work is good. And this blog is giving me a sense of purpose that I have not had in years. I woke up this morning with a full day off ahead with which to catch up on washing, potter about, concentrate on writing.

And then I couldn't get out of bed. I read longform journalism on my phone, which initially felt like a worthwhile start to the day. Then I progressed/regressed to scrolling Facebook. Then my phone battery died and I lay back down and napped a little, which turned into a full sleep. Then when I finally woke up the day was ruined, and I spent the remaining hours shlubbing around, dazed, watching garbage on Youtube, feeling an invisible weight on my chest, wanting to write but unable to, filled with anger and frustration and self-hatred.

So apologies if this post isn't polished or perspicacious, but this is all I can get out right now, and I do think it's important to get something out.

I'm just so tired of my old way of looking at the world. It is so boring, it is so unhealthy. So let's just say I've had a tough day -- no idea why, when things are good, maybe anxiety about losing it all, about when the inevitable crash will come, maybe the old ego sensing threat and trying to reassert itself, who knows? -- but now I've become mindful of the storm I can do my best to hunker down and let it pass in its own time.

Depression kills complicated thoughts, saps mental energy, so I can't write anything big. But I can write these few simple lines, I can focus on the positives, I can accept that I might feel like this but it really doesn't matter, it's not worth getting stressed about. What matters is whether others are OK, what I can do to help. In this moment the best I can probably do is to stay calm and let the storm pass.

I've washed up, I've cooked a small tea, had a mug of Earl Grey.

Now I'm going to watch an episode of an easy show, because mental illness is like any illness, and when you're suffering you need to go easy on yourself.

And then I'm going to get an early night, because rest is important.

Working till five tomorrow, so I'll come home in the evening and write something then. See you soon x

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