A new plan, again: Day 27

Blorgle blorgle blorgle. Doesn't matter if this is shit. Does not matter. In fact it's good if it is. Damn good. Cos that way I'm allowing myself to make bad things, and thus not focusing on whether they are good or bad, like from an outsider perspective, on the end results, and I can learn to focus instead on the process of writing. Which, yes, hopefully if focused on the process and using writing to explore hidden worlds, to bring darkness to light, to experiment, to have fun, hopefully that produces good writing. But you can't sit down going, "OK I'm going to make some good writing now. What does good writing look like? OK I'll try to do that." Sucks the lifeblood out of the work. Sucks the lifeblood out of the writer.

So blorgle blorgle, is what I'm saying. Whatever. Gonna go super easy on myself today because I am grinding myself down with all this, 40 hours at work in a job that pays nothing but don't let that trick you is non-stop exhausting, heavy lifting and monotonous repetition and staying calm at complaining customers and smiling, fucking always smiling, putting on a company face, pulling them zygomaticus muscles up and up and up... it's draining, and at 10 in the morning, at 1 at night, shifts all over the place, impossible to maintain a regular sleep pattern... So there's that, and then every day trying to write this blog... and not leaning on the crutches of booze, Youtube, whatever, trying to change my moment-to-moment routine, how I approach the world, react to it, and while suffering depression and wanting to do nothing but smoosh my head into my pillow and collapse with the covers tight over me warm and womb-like.

So I just need to go a bit easy and make sure I don't burn out, use the blog as gentle space to be myself and check in and note down difficulties, not to expect the world from myself. Let the writing come how it wants to come, not force it out. Got this headache and fatigue of brain back behind the eyes from the past two days making myself do those last two posts, so much stress, and I don't want this to not be fun. I want it to be meaningful and exploratory and therapeutic and hard damn work, but I also want it to be fun.

Mike is coming round now to play videogames before work. It's nice to have a friend, and to play videogames. Lost in neon worlds of light and life and energy, blasting fools, pouring over stats, collecting coins -- there's an infantile element to it, "Well done mister barbarian wizard man, well done for hitting the nasty things, have some yummy coins, yum yum, now go over and do it again, that's it, and again, and again" -- but it simplifies life, makes it understandable, nice, and once a fortnight, which is all the time we have together at the moment, I don't think that's a bad thing. A bubble bath is pretty infantile as well, after all.

Although I'm not sure Mike and I would both fit in the tub.

See you tomorrow.