Day 260: Sloshing

I had a hell of a good day yesterday. Let me tell you, I smashed it. I wrote a to-do list when I got up. Of course, that’s not new. I write to-do lists continuously. But what was new yesterday was that I actually did the to-dos. The whole list. Every item. Well, apart from the dusting. But no one does the dusting. That’s just one of those joke lines you put on the end of to-do lists, like “win the lottery”, or “cure world hunger.” Unfeasible, you know?

But I did everything else. And I worked assiduously on my blog post, got it written and posted up by 6pm. And then I had an evening to myself. And what an evening! I can’t remember the last time I felt so free, so light. The sensation of having completed my chores, put in a hard day’s graft down the word mines, and then emerging knowing that the remaining hours of the day were all mine, well-earned, to do with as I pleased. My heart swelled with joy, I don’t mind saying.

What I did was, I bought fish and chips. I never normally buy fish and chips. I’m just not a fish and chips guy. It’s not where my mind goes. But it did last night. I just felt like it.

So I went round my local chippy, got myself a piece of fish, large chips, and then into Sainsbury’s and picked up a cream slice for dessert.

Oh, it was delightful. I got in, put my slippers on, and lounged back in front of the new series of Always Sunny, my fish and chips open in my lap. I ate, I watched, I laughed. I laughed out loud, by myself, for the first time in forever. And then I finished the evening watching and making notes about the film I’m going to use for next week’s Wednesday Review - I actually did more work, just to get a headstart, to be productive because I wanted to be.

I’m telling you, it was a charmed, magical evening. Normally I leave things till the last minute. Always I leave things till the last minute. I always procrastinate, and worry, and sit with this base level of shame sloshing about inside my stomach soaking the bottom of everything, tainting everything.

But last night. Last night was different. It was like taking a trip into a parallel universe where I was somebody who did the things that were sensible, at a time that was sensible, somebody who lived the way normal people live, somebody who didn’t completely hate himself.

It was weird. To be honest it made me uncomfortable. I’m not sure I liked it. So I spent today miserable at work and then I came home and procrastinated all night, and now it’s 2am and once again I have to throw out whatever meaningless words I have in my head up onto the blog - something about fish and chips, it looks like, and it’s so weak, and unstructured, and if only I’d planned more, if only I’d not put off my responsibilities, maybe this would be better.

… Ahh, there it is. The familiar sloshing shame. Back and forth, back and forth, lulling me to sleep. Lie down in the shame. Get comfortable. It’s where you belong.

Hmm. But yesterday was interesting. Weird, sure, but interesting. Maybe I’ll try more days like it in the future.

We’ll see.

...... 

Music: Big Time Sensuality, by Björk.