Sunday, 3 June 2018

Day 36: Taking stock

I've been feeling down on myself today -- will there ever be a day when I'm not? -- so I think I should just pause right here and take stock.

I've been sober for 36 days. That's incredible. Not a drop of alcohol. I've not had anything to drink in all that time. I've saved myself from so many expensive nights out, so many wretched hangovers, from groggy days wasted in bed drowning in self-loathing getting nothing done and then as the light fades popping the lids off a few chilled bottles to get over that dripping sadness, thus setting in motion the whole process once again.

But no. Instead I've felt all the negative feelings -- and I've felt them a lot -- and just forced myself to carry on through them. And slowly, I think, I've begun to change the habits of over half a lifetime.

And I've been blogging daily for 36 days. Sometimes I've felt like I was flying, and felt touches of the enthusiasm and excitement that I used to feel for writing, and I've produced pieces that I've loved. Most days I've had to struggle to force something out, and it's not been great, but I've done it, every day, and I think I'm getting better at accepting that and moving on. And not putting all my sense of self in the work, of letting whatever is in my brain come out, and knowing that sometimes it'll be nothing, occasionally it'll be something. This is still such a struggle for me, but it's getting easier. I know it is.

And regardless of results, I've come and done the work every single day. I saw Margaret Atwood on Twitter recently replying to a woman saying she'd wanted to be a writer for 49 years and still wasn't one. Margaret Atwood said this: "If you are writing things you are a writer."

For a long time I wasn't writing things. Now I am writing things. They're not all great. But I am proud of every one.

Anyway, I have a girlfriend on my futon waiting patiently for me to finish this so we can watch trash TV together and eat orange chocolate and get an early night, so no offence, but I'm going to go do that instead of this.

I'm off to London all of tomorrow to watch a live performance of a comedy podcast, so I'll probably just do another short update on the bus home.

But I will do it. And I'll be proud.

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