Day 118: The worst kind of shame

Naomi walks in, catches it on my screen. I pull the cursor across the expanse of pixels, 1080 down, 1920 across - why do they make screens so large these days, so revealingly large? - I drag the cursor at breakneck speed, grapple for the minimise button, but it is too late. Naomi has seen.

I reach forwards and turn the power to the monitor off. The illicit pixels flash in neon for one final moment, then fall to darkness. The darkness of a pit inside me.

My heart is thumping.

Naomi stands in the doorway there, lit from behind, her slippers frozen to the thick carpet in front of the door.

"Well," she says.

I pull a smile at her wide as the grave.

"You've started up again," she says. It isn't a question.

"I-" I begin.

"-Fuck that," she says. "After everything you promised me. After all the tears. All the apologies. I can't believe I listened to you. I can't believe I listened when you said you'd changed."

I want to reach out to her, touch her cheek.

"It was only this one time," I say.

"Oh fuck off, Dan. How often have I heard that from you? I'm such a goddamned idiot. And with the card for the joint account, I suppose?"

"There was a special offer."

"I'll bet there was. Christ, look at you. Red faced. Panting. Glassy eyed. How long have you been at it? All afternoon?

"Not that long."

Naomi just looks at me. Looks and looks.

"You told me never again," she finally says.

"I'm weak," I reply. "I don't have the strength that others have. I was doing so well. But then this month they released the Battle for Azeroth expansion. The reviews have all been saying it takes the game back to the core of what World of Warcr-"

"-DO NOT USE THAT NAME IN MY HOUSE! I TOLD YOU NEVER TO USE THAT NAME. I'M PACKING MY THINGS. I'M STAYING AT CHRISTINA'S TONIGHT. DON'T TRY TO CALL ME. WE'RE THROUGH."

I watch her go. I hear her in the bedroom. Then the stairs, the door, the engine of the car. I sit a while longer, and then I turn the monitor back on again.