Day 184: Turning up

Another better day, although work sucked hard, but I ate the fruit I planned on eating, I cooked the veg; I edited the photos... did social media for work, put up a pic on my own Instagram, food shopped, talked to my housemate, drank tea, listened to sumptuous piano music, wrote silly messages to my friend…. and now I’m here writing my blog. I haven’t wasted time on Youtube, scrolled down Facebook (well, a little at work, and on the bus, and just for a moment when I got home...); I haven’t succumbed to negative thoughts or fallen into lethargy or despair. Another day upright, living, doing what needs to be done. Treating myself with a bit more kindness, practising self-care.

Don’t have much more tonight, but that’s OK. I should be proud of myself for the smallest victories. Because why not? What’s being happy about tiny steps going to harm? I haven’t written a novel today, forced myself to create anything of lasting worth. But I’ve turned up, and I’ve been present, and when you suffer from depression that’s huge in itself.

Gently does it, don’t excoriate myself for not being stronger than I am. What will that help? Breathe out. Concentrate on the positives, on gratitude - that I’m here, that I’m experiencing any of this at all. Don’t slip backwards, hold my ground, and tomorrow is another day.

And now, with all my jobs done, there's time for a little ride into the wilderness on Red Dead Redemption, a little moonlit ranging across wooded hills, over canyons, with wolves howling and birds taking flight, and the first morning mist thick in the valleys, and day coming cold and hard.

I mean, look at this game. How can you not want to lose yourself in this game?