Day 294: New gods

Go to work, keep busy, do what’s in front of me to the best of my ability (or the best of my motivation and energy, which is part of ability), feel good about that. Take photographs. Post photographs to social media. Finish work. Go for a haircut. Ignore neurotic thoughts about how out of place and shambling and strange I feel among the kids with their muscles and fade cuts and tattoos at the barbers’. Get my beard cut shorter for the first time in years, just to try something different. Go home, stop at the shop on the way to buy moisturiser to soothe the skin around my neck, the back of my head, my cheeks, the areas that always get spotty and irritated and inflamed after being shaved. Ignore thoughts about how alien and ugly my skin is; just do what I have to do. Get in the house, do press-ups, run the shower, get in the shower, get out, pat my skin dry gently. Apply moisturiser. Get dressed. Drink water. Reheat a portion of the vegetable curry I made and tubbed up for myself yesterday. Play guitar. Run through the exercises I’m currently working on. Begin learning the notes on the stave on sheet music, where to find the notes on the guitar. Change away from and back to chords with which I have difficulty. Learn a few simple blues licks. Ignore the voice roaring that after all these years owning a guitar I’m still a complete novice. Switch from guitar work to writing work. Do some free-writing. Write my blog post. Ignore the voice roaring that I haven’t had any poetry in me, haven’t been able to write anything of beauty, for as long as I can remember. Ignore the voice roaring that I gave the writer thing a try but I don’t have what it takes, that I should quit and stop fooling myself. Brush my teeth. Drink more water. Get into bed. Ignore the voice roaring that I will never get to sleep, that I can’t do any of this any more, that it’s so goddamned hard and it hurts so much and I have no idea who I am or where I’m going or what any of this is for.

Ignore all that. Those are the old gods. I have new gods now. Perseverance, patience, humility, compassion.

Every day there are ten thousand opportunities to worship old or new gods. Every day there are ten thousand opportunities to improve.

Head down. Keep going. The grooves of good habit will wear themselves in.

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Music: It's My Own Fault, by B.B. King.