Day 201: Breaking

Fran and I are breaking up. It feels so awful writing those words, as if typing them out makes it all suddenly more true.

I don’t know how much I want to say. How much it is fair to Fran to say. I love her, and she is one of the most precious people in my life, and I want to always know her and always try to make her feel good, but we’ve become more like close friends as our relationship has developed, and for a long time now we’ve been coasting, pretending something was there when it wasn’t.

I think we both agree on this. I think I agree on this. I don’t know. Life is so messy and hard, and the right path in such important decisions is never clear. We have tried over recent weeks to work at it, to find what wasn’t there, but it hasn’t worked, and neither of us wants to stay together and end up resenting the other for the rest of our lives. I don’t want that.

But the alternative is this, which sucks so hard.

“I wish one of us had been a twat and was obviously in the wrong and the other could get angry and storm out,” Fran said. “It would make this all so much easier.”

She’s right. It’s good that the decision is mutual, that there’s no ill-will, no animosity. But it doesn’t make it easier. It just means there’s no anger or indignation to distract from the heartbreak.

There is so much heartbreak.

I’ve had this document open in front of me for hours now, and I’ve still got nothing. I can hear myself putting on a writer’s tone. Making it all sound tragic and sad, but distant, explained, written out, because that’s what I do, that’s how I cope. But it’s bullshit.

I don’t want to write it out now. I want to go and feel it.