Day 207: Remember

Been off work with a sick bug today, spent last night throwing up, today huddled in blankets eating soup and fruit and watching Netflix.

Not feeling as down on myself though. The world is difficult and painful enough, there's no need to heap more suffering on my shoulders in the form of self-loathing.

The old negative voices have been seeping back in steadily for a while now. Been falling back into unhealthy habits, sleeping all day, staying up all night, eating junk food and staring at Youtube and scrolling down social media, squeezing out a few meaningless words onto the blog last thing before bed, feeling the pressure of depression forcing me down as a voice of shame whispers that I'm 33 and I just work in a bar, I can't drive, I'm going nowhere with this blogging and I've got no forward momentum and I've saved up no money and my skin is awful and I've utterly failed at life.

But you know what? That voice can get fucked. Can get itself directly to fuck.

I've heard that voice so many times before, and dealt with it so many times before. I know how to deal with that voice. I know what to do. I've forgotten to do it of late, because I've been tired and stressed, and worried about breaking up with Fran, but I do know what to do.

It's like meditation. You bring your attention to your breath, you forget, you bring your attention back, you forget again. Over and over. You don't fail because you forget. The forgetting is part of the meditation. It is training.

Well, here I am remembering. Bringing my attention back.

I know the steps. Be mindful of the negative voices. Hear them, acknowledge them, bring them out into the light. Then challenge them. Find alternative interpretations for reality. Keep working. Keep taking baby steps. Focus on the positives. Accept help. Accept praise. Work on feeling worthy of love.

I've learnt how to do this and then forgotten again a thousand times before. That just means that remembering is easier than ever.

I can do this.