Day 94: Still

Back from work, massaging my hamstrings that are stretched tight from long bar shifts, sitting in the front room with Jiggs, watching him play Zelda. Another crappy microwave meal for tea, then chocolate and a cuppa afterwards. I still feel low, broken, like whole areas of my brain are closed off. Can't talk to my friends or family who want to say nice things to me, ask if I'm all right. I appreciate the love, I'm grateful, but I can't deal with it now. I don't have the energy to respond. Depression is the breakdown of the mechanisms of love, and it's painful, actually kind of gross, to be offered love and to not be able to receive it. To not have anywhere for it to go.

So I'm sorry, it might seem rude but it is not rude. I just need to sit here drinking tea and staying very still. The depression can't get me if I stay very still.

I'm low, but it's OK. Everything is as it should be. Everything is the only way it can be. Everything is.

There's no point wishing it wasn't so. Feeling I've been doing so well and I shouldn't be right back here again. That it's not fair. That it's a sign of weakness or failure on my part. I don't get to choose how my mental health plays out.

So I'm going slowly, treading lightly, not pushing myself too hard. Drinking my tea, lounging in my chair, watching Jiggs explore the vast and mysterious land of Hyrule. He's just defeated the boss of the first divine beast, after half an hour of trying. We literally cheered and fist-bumped when the creature finally fell. Now he's exploring the lands surrounding Zora's domain, collecting snails from river beds, cooking up dishes to increase his stamina, looking for the hidden headpiece to complete the Zora armour set. And I'm watching, losing myself in his adventure, feeling ... OK.

Long shift tomorrow. Long shift, and beer training to give to the staff. But then I have a day off.

I can make it to then.