Day 227: Pushing it

It’s pushing it to write my daily blog at four in the morning after napping half of the night, but what are you gonna do? I’m all about pushing it.

I’ve been struggling the last few days. It’s been creeping up on me. The old feeling that everything is inescapable fucked, that I’m too far gone, that I can’t write for shit and… all the usual stuff.

It’s not reality. It’s not. Just negative voices, always saying the same things. Judgements, skewed thinking, with ulterior motives. Uhhh. It’s hard though. It’s so hard.

I get better for a few days, I’m productive, I’m enthused, I have newfound energy. And then I fall back into the clutches of depression. And I go through the routines, but it feels like there’s nothing beneath it, no warmth to my soul, that it’s all a sham, everything is a sham.

But I come back out again. I do. There are days when the depression isn’t there at all, or where it’s retreated enough for me to find space to breathe.

That’s better than it was.

Depression is a poisonous gas that seeps in, entwines around all your cells. It takes supreme effort to rise above it, to hoist yourself out of the miasma, hand over hand. When you’re tired you start to flag, you climb slower, maybe slip, and the fog begins to wrap around you again. And once the fog is in you it’s even harder to climb, and you are caught even worse.

But I’m used to all this. And it’s better than it was.

I will go back to bed now, try to sleep, to put no more pressure on myself. We’re all doing the best we can. It’s not an easy climb. No one said we had a right to an easy climb - no one who was telling the truth, at least. But we do get to try. And, despite everything, that’s still pretty cool.

Keep going.