Day 230: Meditation

Here's one I've been meaning to write for a while now. I've begun meditating again, and I want to say something about it.

I’ve been meditating off and on (mostly off) for a decade now, and I want to talk a little about my process, and what I see as its point, because I think there’s still a fair amount of confusion about these things.

Meditation is a programme of training to help you pay attention to the present moment on purpose. Paying attention to the present moment on purpose is where we want to be. It’s like “being strong” in bodybuilding terms. It’s the end goal.

Meditation is the lifting of the weights. It’s how we get our minds strong.

Here’s how I do that:

I kneel on the floor upright and alert. I kneel on one cushion, and put another between my calves and thighs, to stop my heels digging into my bum. I rest my hands in my lap, palms upward, one on top of the other.

If I could get into the lotus position, or half lotus, or a similar pose, then I would do that. These are very stable positions, if you possess the flexibility for them. Conversely, if I couldn’t kneel then I would sit upright on a chair. If I couldn’t do that I would lie down. What’s important is that you feel comfortable, but alert, that you can breathe deeply, and that your posture embodies a willingness to face this moment, not slouch away from it.

Next I take a few deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth, because this is a nice thing to do. If I’m feeling particularly stressed I might do a body scan, which involves focusing on my toes, then the balls of my feet, my heels, my ankles, shins, calves, knees, up through my body, spending a little time with each area, gently, in no rush, noting where there is tension, letting the tension go if it feels appropriate to do so.

And then I start meditating. And what, precisely does this occult, mystical process involve?

It involves paying attention as I breathe in and out.

That’s it. Sometimes I count my breaths, once after every out-breath, up to ten, and then start again from one. Sometimes I focus on the sounds around me instead, letting whatever comes to my ears be the object of my attention, holding it in loving awareness, simply watching it, allowing the sound to exist. Sometimes I repeat a neutral word, like “flower”, or “river”, over and over again. The object of attention doesn’t hugely matter; it is the attending to it, with mindfulness, that is important.

I pay attention as if this out-breath, this sound, this word, was the gaze of a lover, or a newborn child, or a treasure brought forth from the deep. I pay attention to this mundane moment of my life wholly, and lovingly, and with unquenchable wonder.

And what happens when I do this, when I attend to my breath, or to a repeated phrase, with watchful, loving, mindful awareness?

I get distracted. The voice in my head starts up, chundering on, and I lose myself in thought.

This usually takes a second or two to happen.

I get distracted. I cough, renew my focus, bring attention back to the breath. And I get distracted. I kick myself - you dummy - I shift my weight, get comfortable again, bring attention back to the breath. And I get distracted. I realise I’ve been thinking about… something or other, down twisting rabbit holes of thought, for minutes. I get annoyed. I feel anger rising. I quash the anger down. I feel despair that I’m spending my meditation time quashing down anger, that I can’t obey even the simplest of instructions, that I’m not a venerable Zen master cloaked in billowing robes immovable as a rock. I picture myself, kneeling on a dusty cushion on a carpet I should have hoovered weeks ago, and I… dammit, I bring attention back to the breath. And I get distracted. On a dusty cushion on a carpet I should have hoovered weeks ago. And I haven’t washed my sheets. Or done last nights dishes. And then there’s that presentation for work next week, I haven’t even started that. I sag. It’s hopeless. No. It’s not hopeless. I force myself to focus. I do it. I sit up straight again. I wrench my awareness away from negativity, bring attention back to the breath.

And I get distracted...

This happens. It happens to me. It happens to meditation teachers. It happens to billowy-robed Zen masters. And it will happen to you.

This is meditation. Bringing your attention back is meditation. If your attention didn’t need bringing back then you wouldn’t need meditation. If you could magically lift a car in one hand then you wouldn’t need to do bicep curls and press-ups.

Maybe Superman can just be strong without effort, because he's a special alien. And maybe there are super-meditators who are equanimous and tranquil as the morning sun’s first shining rays, with minds like softly bubbling brooks. But the rest of us need practice.

Meditation is practice. It isn’t having a calm mind. It is the training of calming your insanely fractured and ever-leaping mind. And it takes a lifetime. You don’t do ten press-ups and then find yourself able to lift a car forever afterwards. You do ten press-ups every morning, and gradually, over many months, you find your strength improving, your physical grounding in the world becoming more vibrant and active and alive. And if you stop doing those daily press-ups, you lose it.

Of course some people become obsessed with bodybuilding, and spend every hour of every day lifting enormous weights. There are good things that can come from this: being part of a community of like-minded individuals, developing a life with structure and routine, setting and achieving difficult goals - and there are bad things that can come from this: obsession, addiction, the feeding of the ego, the irony that the singular fanatical drive to be strong in many ways only shows that underneath it all you are so very weak.

Similarly, there are people for whom meditation becomes their all. They join clubs, post in groups, obsess over correct posture, argue about schools of Buddhism, pay large figures to attend intensive meditation retreats.

And if you want to do this, more power to you. It’s not wrong. But be aware that the necessity for meditation is the necessity to assuage ego and overthinking, and devoting yourself to the cult of meditation can increase your vulnerability to precisely these problems of ego and overthinking.

(But then so can everything. I have to be aware that my ego is playing the game here, playing at being modester-than-thou. We all have egos, and they all do ego things. Meditation is in fact a great way of watching the ego, accepting it, and not taking it too seriously.)

What I’m saying is: don’t worry about not being fully invested. You don’t need to shave your head and sit in zazen, just as you don’t need to bench-press like Hulk Hogan. In many ways doing so can make you less whole. Ten press-ups and five minutes meditation a night is a fine way to live.

So, then. Sit down. Bring your attention to your breath. Every time your mind wanders, bring it back. When you notice yourself feeling pathetic at how many times your mind wanders, simply ask, are you still lost in thought right now, or are you bringing attention back to the breath? When you find yourself thinking how bored you are, simply ask, are you still lost in thought, or are you bringing attention back to the breath? When you’re thinking about how you’re going to bring your attention back to the breath, simply ask, are you still lost in thought, or are you bringing your attention back to the breath?

There is only the bringing of attention back to the breath. Everything else is distraction. You will have a mind full of distractions. These are your weights. Lift them. Bring attention back to the breath, over and over and over again.

This is meditation.

Next time: but why?

...... 

Music: kinda want to do some dirty Run the Jewels hip hop, for the incongruity, but no. Let's go with the lilting, soaring Tibetan folk of Tenzin Choegyal and the Metta String Ensemble. It's no Run the Jewels, but it's pretty good.