Day 254: Petals

Life is suffering, but sometimes you get to have coffee. That’s my mentality today. I’m tired, sluggish, my brain doesn’t want to grind up into high gear.

There are fibrous strands and bright curls of clementine peel, pips from an apple, on a plate balanced on the books piled on my PC unit. The managers’ WhatsApp group on my phone is silenced for eight hours. My coffee is steaming. I’m solving a cryptic crossword.

Looking at a cryptic crossword.

Not much solving going on.

“Plant that’s yellow, say, with an orange head [7]”.

I tab to Google and type in “yellow plants”. I’d have thought the clue was pointing to a plant, and the yellow is part of the solution, maybe the “say” means it sounds like yellow, with the “o” from orange at the end, or the beginning, or something. I don’t know. But I tab to Google and type “yellow plants” anyway. Why not?

My brain won’t get out of the slow lane.

But then I’m looking down the names of yellow plants on a website that Google has presented to me, and next to the names are little photos of flowers. And I’m looking at the photos of the yellow flowers, and I feel a feeling.

A genuine feeling.

I feel… gladness. I look at the flowers and I feel glad. I feel my heart swelling. The delicate flowers, the lush, swaying petals, brushing against one another, so frail, so intricate, blooming across the land. Through the meadows. Peeking from between tumbled gaps in dry-stone walls. Reaching above shrubs layering the forest floors. Our world is filled with flowers.

And in that one rushing moment I feel a warmth, a connection to nature, a joy at the kinship we share with all living things.

What is happening to me? Who am I becoming? Quick, pass me the booze, call my dealer, blast the PlayStation. Go buy me a sharer bag of spicy Doritos and an extra large Mars Bar. I’m fading away. Who is this impostor replacing me?

Flowers. Jesus Christ. I’ve been sober too long. I’m actually starting to appreciate reality for what it is, starting to see the intrinsic beauty in life without the need to artificially heighten the experience through chemicals and simulation.

How terrifying.

At least I’m still addicted to coffee. You can claw my coffee mug out of my cold, dead hands.

......

Music: Don't Falter, by Mint Royale, with Lauren Laverne. Did you know Lauren Laverne used to be in a pop-punk band? I didn't. Here she is singing with the late 90s/early 00s electronic outfit Mint Royale, after her own band's breakup. Sounds like walking down a tranquil London street away from the bustle of the main roads, with the sun shining and hope in your heart. Sweet.