Depression pinning me down. No use pretending otherwise. It's right on top of me. Been home few hours, watching Star Trek Discovery, simultaneously playing my Switch, trying anything to distract myself. Not enjoying Star Trek, it’s just on, some colours, voices, changing situations. Vaguely following the plot, don’t want to pay too much attention. Hurts to pay attention. Depression is like a ringing in my ears. Like the warm attraction that glues particles together in normal functioning of life has been reversed, and every atom repulses every other, gives off faint howl, the accumulation of every atom howling makes a ringing in my ears, and engaging the part of my brain that usually cares, that considers, that loves - this simply intensifies the ringing, until I want to be sick.
So instead put on formulaic television, play arcade racing games, eat food out of brightly wrapped packets. Try to pass another night.
It is exhausting to live like this. But I guess a year ago it was happening for weeks at a time, regularly, and I was drinking and smoking weed to escape. And now it is not so regular, and it lasts for only days, and I’m more aware while it is happening.
Awareness helps. Pain is only an experience, something with specific dimensions, a size and shape, and can be explored like anything else, can be seen and felt. This is a sharp experience, yet a dull experience, jagged and oppressive both. Be curious. Disrupt the negative rumination. Distract myself with loud television if I have to. Be gentle with myself, yet firm. Don’t slide into self-loathing. Let go. Don’t worry. Go through hell and just keep going.
This always passes. The clouds clear and the sun comes out again.
This too shall pass. Until it does be kind. If you'd broken your leg you would let yourself take pain relief and rest. Do so now. You've written your blog that's amazing. You sre doing this. That's amazing. You are incredible. Sending strength and support as much as that helps from a weirdy internet stranger
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