Day 268: Alleviate

Wiped out today. Recovering, watching shows, playing games, doing some gentle reading, writing bits and bobs. Wanted to have an organised and productive day, making strides forward, but clear when I woke up that that wasn’t happening. But that’s OK. Rest is important. Self-care is important.

Mmm. That’s disingenuous. Self-care is important, but I wasn’t really caring for myself today. Spent a lot of it feeling stressed and anxious, unmotivated, angry at myself for not doing more. All this research into depression has brought up a lot of stuff, all the stuff I haven’t dealt with, the sense that although I’ve gradually forced myself to face a few of my issues over the last year there is still an ocean filled with monsters moving below my conscious awareness. Thinking about depression has made me acknowledge the size and depth of this ocean, and now I feel like a tiny creature bobbing on the surface, alone, doomed to be swallowed at any moment.

Shit. I do not feel good at all. I feel like screaming, tearing out my hair. I feel really bad. That’s what I’ve been doing today, medicating against this pain exactly like I was talking about yesterday. Watching YouTube, scrolling down social media, distracting myself, eating junk food. All things to alleviate pain in the present, while doing nothing to work through the stress and trauma that cause the pain in the long term.

And, more, I’m aware of this, and so feel guilty and ashamed about it. Maybe that’s important to realise. The guilt and shame do not help. They make it worse. Yes, taking paracetamol isn’t going to heal a broken leg. And if you keep walking on the leg wrong then you’ll prevent it from healing at all. But some nights you need that paracetamol regardless.

And, yes, I’m not going to overcome my depression by playing videogames and eating takeaway pizza. But I am getting better at doing the things to heal myself, and though it’s a slow process I am making progress. But some nights it’s just about surviving the night.

Yes, there’s always a risk that you’ll develop a reliance on pain relievers and thus never face the problems that cause the pain. But I don’t want that. I want to get better. I want to change. But when the pain is too great that stops being possible.

Going to try to end the night being kinder to myself, then. Get to bed, get some sleep, in work for 8am tomorrow.

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Music: Brand - New - Life, by Young Marble Giants.