Greetings! I am le tired today, just for a change. I’ve been trying to write something all evening, and I can’t get any words to come out of my head. I’m ground down to the bone. So I guess I’d better take the stump away from the grindstone. Ease up. Stop trying to force something that isn’t there. Stop worrying about giving more than I can give. The universe has its rhythms, its natural flow, and you can’t get around that. You can’t develop muscle memory faster than muscle memory develops. You can’t ingrain new behaviours faster than behaviours ingrain. Like water, the Tao moves at its own pace. Try to go beyond this natural speed and you just end up robbing Peter to pay Paul. You take energy from where it is needed later, and risk a crash.
I have been working horribly busy shifts at the pub, and on my days off doing demanding physical labour with Steve, and at the same time as this writing film reviews and blog posts and round-ups, which I care about more than anything and desperately want to put energy into and make good - and all the while I am trying to fight off mental illness, trying to keep the constant stream of negative thoughts and clawing anxiety and that black vortex of nothingness at bay, and I am running dangerously close to empty right now. I need time and space to remember how to be human, to read poetry and eat fruit and sleep more than five hours a night.
So I’m going now. That’s it for today. See you tomorrow. Bye.
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