Day 312: Complex structures

Wotcha. I'm on the close tonight, so I got a lie-in this morning, and have now a few hours to potter around, drink coffee, come to my senses. Much needed. Much needed? Is that a thing people say? Man I'm tired.

I did well last night. I was on the verge of being overwhelmed by dark thoughts, tired and run-down, but I managed to write my way into acceptance and peacefulness instead. Important to recognise that, to draw big squiggles under it and surround it with star stickers and say, hey, doofus brain, this is an example of what is possible. You don't have to descend into depression. You can be in that train station with all the platforms showing departures to misery town and you can be one foot on the carriage and still become mindful, step down, turn around, walk away. Remember this. Deploy this strategy next time. Follow this course.

I am changing my mind. I am changing the most complex structure in the universe (of course depending on your definition of "structure", but let's not even), and that takes time. It takes patience. I still struggle every day, and my life is still, I believe the technical term is: a right shambles. But I am getting there. It's not been a year yet. Keep facing and fighting my depression. Look back after two years. Three. Ten. See how far I've got then.

I'll probably always have the negative voices in my head. I'll always have those cerebral wounds deeply carved, the neural pathways just waiting to be activated again. But the more I move back and forth along healthier routes, the more traffic passes over the newly opened expressways (that, yes, are perhaps currently more like rough tracks in the mud), the more those old tunnels will be closed off, abandoned, forgotten.

They might always be there. But I don't have to go down them.

Is that how brains work? That's sort of how brains work, right?

Anyway, I'm going to go read in town for a bit before my shift I think, find a coffee shop, hunker down.

... And now I'm home from work. I did coffee-shop. I did hunker. Then work, which wasn't 100% great, but is now a thing of the past, receding nicely into nothingness.

Sleep now, then all dat fun film reviewing tomorrow.

Hugs x