Day 331: Swollen

Another migraine today, another day off gone. Did my washing, felt like I was going to be sick, felt like my brain /was/ being sick, vision bending, colours piercing, sounds swollen - and felt that I’d brought the migraine on by wrecking my sleeping schedule last night, by missing a meal, by staying up after I woke from my evening-long nap staring at screens until four in the morning. All classic triggers.

So I sat today unable to do anything I’d planned, filled with self-loathing, trying not to vomit. Took paracetamol and ibuprofen, watched about half the latest season of Arrested Development - it’s better than the consecutive-stories revival of the previous season, not as good as the original three - and tried to keep my face, and my thoughts, as slack and tranquil as I could.

The migraine did let up come evening, and I was able to cook tea, watch the film for next Wednesday’s review - I’m working the close Wednesday and don’t have much time - and do some photo editing.

Not an entirely wasted day, but frustrating nonetheless. Back on the early open tomorrow, and Tuesday, then GP appointment then the close on Wednesday, fit the review in somewhere…

Eesh, can feel depression wrapping around my feet, climbing my legs. Need to remind myself that I’m doing the best I can, that healing isn’t linear, that some days will be worse than others, and some weeks, and some months. Having lots of automatic negative thoughts, and ruminating - but that's OK. That will happen a lot. Automatic negative thoughts aren't reality, they're an opinion about reality, and they have an agenda. And rumination is not an effective strategy for solving problems. And that sense of failure and despair I'm feeling /now/ is learned helplessness, and what has been learned can be unlearned.

So that's good. Everything feels shit right now, but it will not feel that way forever. Things are slowly getting better. Tell myself that enough and it might start to come true.